Infidelity and Abuse Story
All of my relationships have ended with me being cheated on, which as far as high school and your early 20s go, that’s the norm. It’s always been easy for me to let go of what wasn’t for me. So, why I stayed with Darian I’m still not quite sure. We met working at the same restaurant, and after about 3 months of dating, we got an apartment together. A few weeks before we moved in together, I got a message on Facebook from a girl who said she had been dating Darian for awhile now. She said he does this to a lot of girls and that she’s just trying to help me out. Of course I believed him, and went on with my day. Red flag number one. Everything seemed good for almost a year. I still worked at that restaurant and he had gotten another job. It was fine because working and living with someone is never fun, I promise. I started noticing a girl he worked with was tagging him in pictures on Instagram, he was coming home later and later or wasn’t home at all. He would never admit anything to me when confronted, until one day Jessica messaged me on Twitter. Of course I gave her my number and my phone was soon flooded with screen shots of their conversations. He sent her naked pictures, and this had went on for almost 6 months. Once I had the messages he still wouldn’t admit it. At that point he didn’t have to. It was pretty clear. He soon quit that job and told me he didn’t talk to her anymore, apologized, etc. We moved to a bigger apartment and had a dog at this point. I thought things were looking up. We then ended up working together again, this time at a different restaurant. This made the worried girlfriend in me feel a little better. I know his work schedule and I trust the people I work with. I heard he was texting an 18 year old that we worked with. When confronted it wasn’t his normal reaction, like telling me that I’m crazy or that I’m over reacting. I was going off in the car and he smacks me, breaking the glasses on my face. He keeps driving down the street. There was another sign I should’ve listened to. He would never talk about this again either. Several months later he’s bartending at a different place. I hear from some of my co-workers that they’ve seen him there with a girl. I of course wait to bring that up. Not long after this he came home one night at 5am. I of course go off, and he put his hands on me that night. I literally had to call off the next day because of how bruised I was. He would never talk about this either. Ever. He actually acted like nothing happened. Maybe a month or so passes and he tells me he’s leaving that weekend for the beach with his cousin. I am not invited. Obviously with our history I am concerned. He isn’t hearing me out, not does he seem to care to. He goes anyway. He was gone for 3-4 days and ignored me the whole time. Wouldn’t answer a text or call, but was still posting pictures on Instagram. I’m obviously thinking we were going to break up when he gets home. He gets home late and doesn’t want to talk to me, I force conversation and he just says after 3 years together, that “this just isn’t working.” No shit. From there he won’t talk anymore. He tells me I can stay there until the end of the month and after that he’s leaving too. Two days later, he goes to work one night and I move out. I left all the furniture, and everything but the dogs and the TV. The first text from him is “I want the TV back or I’m calling the cops.” He also tried to get the dogs from me but soon gave up. We actually didn’t speak after that, having absolutely no closure. Three weeks after I moved back home, I find out that he had been sleeping with a coworker of mine, for over a year, in our home. I even did this girls hair. She also was in a relationship and her boyfriend still doesn’t know to this day. MAYBE two weeks after this, he moved to North Carolina to live with this girl that he went to visit while we were together. This was all over a year ago.
That isn’t the woman that I am. I lost myself in whatever I thought that relationship was going to be. I was blinded by the love I had for him, and the love I thought he had for me. I still couldn’t even tell you exactly why I stayed for so long, other than I thought he made me happy. It was really the thought of him that made me happy. Sometimes I think it’s hard for us to tell the two apart. I still wouldn’t have changed any of my choices. I obviously needed something to wake me up. Since I didn’t listen to all those little things those first few months, my warnings just had to get stronger.
You never think that you’ll be that girl. It’s okay to be her, because we’re all her at some point.
My best friends still don’t even know about the abuse. At one point it was hard because I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. Looking back, I think it helped me more than hurt me. I was free from any judgment and could deal with it however I needed to.
After sharing all of this, I’ve realized that I hadn’t even shared this with my boyfriend. We’ve been together for a year and we’ve talked about everything. Everything but this. Why did I leave that out? Why did I never mention that? That was a huge part of my life. The most important person to me had no idea about it. Was it because I just didn’t want to talk about it again? Had it just slipped my mind? Did he still have some weird unknowing mind control over me to not talk about it? I wish I had the answer because I still don’t know. So now my question to myself is “How the fuck do I tell my man?” I know his response is going to be “why didn’t you tell me?” Honestly I just want that part of my life to go away so maybe that’s why I didn’t say anything. I know he’ll understand. It just isn’t a conversation I want to have. I know in telling him, it will give me some type of freedom that I’ve never had before.
I haven’t spoken to my ex in about a year and a half. He’s still controlling me without even trying. That’s because I let him.
So a few days after writing this I told my boyfriend. I got the most supportive response I could’ve asked for. He’s helped me more than he’ll ever know.
People can be controlling when we don’t even realize it. We realize when we’re in too deep. The moral of this story is to never ignore any signals. We’re getting them for a reason. Anytime you feel uncomfortable or you feel like you’re being mistreated, you have to go. And that’s okay. It may not feel okay, but it is.
After starting a new relationship after my ex, it was hard to not assume that everyone’s as bad as him. I promise it’s worth a try. There are good people out there, they’re just a little harder to find.